A Beginner's Journey

This post is going to be a bit different from the others in this series.  I don’t really feel like dragging you, dear readers, into absolutely every little detail of the anxieties I detailed in three of my journal entries, so I’ve “censored” them a bit.  I am exceedingly grateful for those of you who were in the know at the time.  You were very supportive, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  So please forgive the lack of details.  I’m glad to say that I have learned and grown, and I’d like to reflect that more than anything else.

2/4/16 – Home Dojo

I came home wanting nothing more than to go to bed crying.  I don’t really want to go into all the stupid stuff courtesy of [a couple of different situations]…

I felt defeated.  I felt like giving up…

This isn’t a new feeling, it was just particularly intense this evening.

Sometimes we don’t know how close we are to the end of the fight.  We get discouraged and tired.  Sometimes we do know how close we are but we’re so weary that we don’t particularly care.    But really, if we hang in there just a little longer, things will get better.  That’s where I am tonight.

[I wrote about a bright ray of hope – Home Dojo Sensei had decided to start an advanced class]

Sensei is keen on a particular meeting time.  I’m sure the YMCA will give it to him.  However, they will give it to him without realizing that maybe there might be a problem with our loud little group meeting next door to the very quiet and very large Meditation Yoga class…

[This caused me some anxiety about the Wrath of the Yoga People!]

So once I identified all that’s going on with my emotions, I started to think about the video I watched this morning.   When I sat down to write, I noticed this article and read it.

Both the video and the article were very timely!

I only have to wait just a little while longer.  Three weeks at most.

There’s also another possibility for things to get better.  Sense’s wife (also a black belt) might, just might, be able to come in once a week to help out with regular classes.  That’ll take some of the pressure off us two adult senior students.

I also have to keep in mind that as far as my own Sensei and other dojo senseis are concerned, I am welcome to visit (and in the case of College Dojo, be a senior student there too).  I still have that and will always have that.

So my takeaway tonight…  I’ve sparred with black belts and have been pushed harder than I’ve ever thought I could be pushed.  I didn’t give up.  I shouldn’t give up on these situations either.  Because the fight will end one way or another, and it will end soon.

 

2/5/16 – Major Employer’s Club Dojo

[I felt refreshed after visiting a dojo comprised of adults and no “various situations” – or at least none that I’m privy to].

As far in advance as possible (not just 24 hours, LOL), I need to schedule visits to the sister dojos I don’t go to all that often.  Even after Home Dojo Sensei starts up the small advanced class, I’ll still need the break from the [various situations], I’ll need to work with a variety of adults, and I’ll need to bring fresh teaching ideas back to Home Dojo and College Dojo.

Faraway Dojo Sensei wants to see me quarterly, and March is right around the corner.  I think I’ll feel better knowing exactly when that’s coming up.  I’m gonna look at the calendar and shoot that Sensei an email right now.

[And I felt much better once I got that on the calendar!]

 

2/16/16 – Home Dojo

After class tonight my “big brother,” Sensei, and I discussed what time we’re meeting on Sunday for the invitation-only advanced training.  Our monthly Board of Directors meeting goofs up our start time, but the advantage is that maybe one or more people (ranging from 5th kyu to Godan) might decide to stay and play with us.  Maybe now Sensei G from Faraway Dojo will get a chance to beat me up – she’s the lone person on the Board who hasn’t sparred with me 🙂

Now that the tournament is over it’s hit me that this training is going to be a reality.  I’m both elated and scared.  Elated because this is the learning opportunity of a lifetime.  Scared because this training will be hard, and I do know what “hard” means because I’ve been pushed hard so many times and I know that I will be pushed progressively harder.  Scared also because of who might opt to come to the first class – like I said, I’ve sparred with almost everyone.  I’ve blogged about two of them here and here.

That said, I trust myself and I trust those who will be teaching me.  I can be scared – that’s probably OK.  But what I can’t do is back out before I even start, and once I start I can’t quit.  I don’t think I could look at myself in the mirror if I quit Karate again.  This is my chance to have an incredible adventure.  I don’t want to blow it.

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So there you have it.  There are chinks in my armor.  I’m not perfect.  I have fears and doubts.  I am human, and, let’s face it, I’m facing new situations that I haven’t faced before.  I’m very, very glad I didn’t give in to the pressure and I’m glad we haven’t faced the Wrath of the Yoga People.  Advanced training has been fantastic.    Things have gotten better.  Why was I so worried?  🙂

So…  I’m on the low end of Intermediate, and there I was this past weekend in my third tournament in the Intermediate/Advanced division.  My first round I got spanked pretty good by a black belt.  I was standing ringside sweating and watching the combatants when I realized…

Right there not three feet away from me was the head of our organization.  So I waited for him to stop speaking (in Japanese) to my erstwhile opponent (who was standing  beside and slightly behind me).  Then I acknowledged him with a bow.  Oh golly, had he seen me get clobbered?

Yep, he had, as his comment to me indicated.

As he walked past me he said, “Good job.”

Whaaaaaaaaaat?  I haven’t been around him much, haven’t been formally introduced to him, and really the only indication that I have anything to do with him is the patch on my gi.  Because I wore either a red or a blue tournament belt, there was no indication of my rank except my ability or lack thereof.  I guess he figured out that if I’m a stranger to him and I got spanked by a black belt guest from Japan, I must be on the lower end of “Intermediate,” and therefore a kind word from him would be constructive.  I sure did appreciate it!

My second round I fought a brown belt from another style whom I fought last tournament.  My own Sensei had plenty to say about that fight, and yeah, I could’ve done better.  However, that feedback came with a promise – “We’ll work on that.”

When you’re lower than dirt, well, there’s nothing to do but to get going on germinating the seeds of your potential.  I’m looking forward to seeing the seedlings poke their heads above the earth.

Peer pressure can be a positive thing!

2/15/16 – Major Employer’s Club Dojo

No college class today (or work for that matter).  Campus was closed for Presidents’ Day.  So time to rest, right?

Nope.  I may have had time off from work, but no way was I going to take time off from my favorite hobby.

I’d already arranged to go to Major Employer’s Club Dojo.  Sunday night I was briefly tempted to cancel.  But then I realized I couldn’t use the excuse of doing heavy physical labor all weekend because one of the dojo’s brown belts (five years my senior and my height) had been laboring right alongside me all weekend – and he knew from Friday night that I was planning on coming.  He wasn’t planning on skipping class Monday.  That and Sunday evening, one of the dojo’s black belts, who is old enough to be my father, helped out with loading and unloading the truck – he and I team-lifted a lot of stuff.  I knew he was going to be teaching tonight and he’d already been told by the dojo sensei that I’d be coming.   No way could I have backed out on my plans 🙂

A little peer pressure goes a long way.

And I’m really happy I didn’t skip.  The class consisted of the two gentlemen I mentioned previously, a guy who outranks me by one belt, and me.  SWEEEEEEEEEET!  I get tickled pink when I’m at the end of the line.  It means I’m going to have a really challenging class.  And it was.

So I could’ve just caved to being tired.  I could’ve farted around on the computer (which I’m doing now, but I’m waiting for the washing machine to finish up so I can hang my gi up to dry).  And I’d have missed out.

Big karate lesson today – how to do push-ups properly and how to build up my ability.  This from the brown belt, who used to train people in physical fitness for the military.  He walked me through everything and pointed out what I needed to do differently.  He demonstrated and let me walk around him so I could really see what he was doing.  Way better than YouTube.  Now I have a bit of peer pressure to do better at this exercise.

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Update:  I am continuing to do more and better push ups!

Our office had a potluck lunch on Tuesday.  I finally got to meet my new co-worker.  He does the same job I do, only I work in the morning and he works in the afternoon.  He was coming in early, I was staying late for the potluck.

While going through the line, another co-worker accidentally jostled me.

“Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to hit you,” she said.

“That’s OK,” I quipped back, “I’m used to getting hit.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“Karate,” I reminded my co-worker.  I work on the campus of a community college and my hours are flexed so I can walk to College Dojo immediately after work to help out with the class.

The new guy asked what rank I am.  I answered my usual, “Halfway to black belt,” which is far easier than explaining about kyus and colors and all that jazz.

“Is that full contact?”  he asked.

“Light contact,” I replied, “But tell that to the white belts.  I’ve got this big bruise on my wrist from a white belt.  Two days ago, I was in a tournament, a black belt spanked me pretty good, and all I have is a tiny bruise on my lip.  It makes me grateful for all those people who put up with me when I was a white belt and putting bruises on them.”

Turns out the new guy is a Shodan in Kyokushin Karate.  Full contact.  Bruises are nothing to him.

So we settled into a corner to talk about all sorts of what Jackie Bradbury would call nerdy Karate goodness.  Eventually, he changed the subject.

“Any advice for me about the job?”  my afternoon counterpart asked.

“There’s a lot of little details you have to know.  Be patient with yourself as you learn.  You’ll master them over time.  But that’s nothing new to you.”

The new guy smiled, and replied, “Yeah, I don’t really have time to read the employee manual.  I’ve just been relying on gaining experience.”

I affirmed, “You’ll learn through repetition.  And that’s nothing new to you either.”

My counterpart smiled again.  He was clearly making the connections between Karate and life.

I continued, “And don’t be afraid to ask for help.”  I didn’t have to add that he knows this already 🙂

Today’s expedition into my February journal starts out light and fluffy but ends in one of the deepest lessons I’ve had to date.

2/11/16 – Home Dojo

Tonight’s lesson:  We are dependent on one another, and it is a joy when we are generous with each other.

Sensei’s wife will be helping out both days next week then she’ll be helping out one day per week from here on out.  This will help tremendously.  Also, our extra “invitation only” advanced training will start up later this month.  Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Neither of these black belts get paid to do this.  They’re taking their personal time to teach us.

Sensei asked me tonight if I could help tomorrow night moving tournament mats from storage into a truck.  I’d long since made sure my calendar was clear because I suspected I would be needed.  I joyfully said yes even though this is going to be a boatload of hard work (not enough people are going to show up).  I have been given so much, I will be given more, and there is a need I can fill.  Of course I will be there.

2/14/16 – Tournament

My Sensei and I spent a good bit of time together this weekend what with all the work that needed to be done.  He initiated conversations about some very hard things our dojo is facing, things that have been weighing me down just a bit lately.  I got a lot of insight into his perspective on things.  I trust him a bit more now.  One of the hardest conversations took place at a restaurant, seated with four other good folks and I was by far the lowest ranked.  If he trusted them enough to have this kind of conversation with me in that setting, I had to put trust in them too and give my perspective back.  I’m not used to being that vulnerable.  At one point one person said (seriously) I’d just earned myself some pushups, but my Sensei didn’t think so at all.  Narrow escape there, LOL.  But yeah, definitely navigating some tricky waters both there and while sharing rides to and from different places.  I think I came out OK, and with a new appreciation of how difficult it is to be a Sensei.

if I’m going to be working someday with these higher-ranked people, especially Sensei himself, I guess I need to get my feet wet sometime discussing the hard things.  Sensei initiated every single one of the conversations, so I think he was prying me out of my clam shell.  The hard “stuff” affects me not only as a present student but also as a potential future assistant instructor.  Mostly I’m relieved that Sensei brought so much out into the open and gave me a chance to ask questions and express opinions.  It was really intimidating to do this with the others in the restaurant even though each one there has had their hands in my training, and three of them have personally pushed me hard during sparring and have seen what I’m made of.

I’m honored that Sensei took a chance on me.  There are any number of ways I could’ve responded poorly and there’s any amount of damage I could do in the future.  But I didn’t and I won’t.  I guess if Sensei didn’t think I could handle these difficult talks, he wouldn’t have made himself and the dojo vulnerable.  I wrote a little thank-you email to Sensei for taking a chance on me.

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I think what’s happening here is a parallel to the physical training I’m getting.  There’s a lot that goes into the running of a dojo because it’s not full of robots.  It’s full of human beings and all that goes with them, both good and bad.  I have to trust my mentors and my own guts to navigate me through the tricky and sticky parts of relating to my fellow karateka.