This post is going to be a bit different from the others in this series. I don’t really feel like dragging you, dear readers, into absolutely every little detail of the anxieties I detailed in three of my journal entries, so I’ve “censored” them a bit. I am exceedingly grateful for those of you who were in the know at the time. You were very supportive, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. So please forgive the lack of details. I’m glad to say that I have learned and grown, and I’d like to reflect that more than anything else.
2/4/16 – Home Dojo
I came home wanting nothing more than to go to bed crying. I don’t really want to go into all the stupid stuff courtesy of [a couple of different situations]…
I felt defeated. I felt like giving up…
This isn’t a new feeling, it was just particularly intense this evening.
Sometimes we don’t know how close we are to the end of the fight. We get discouraged and tired. Sometimes we do know how close we are but we’re so weary that we don’t particularly care. But really, if we hang in there just a little longer, things will get better. That’s where I am tonight.
[I wrote about a bright ray of hope – Home Dojo Sensei had decided to start an advanced class]
Sensei is keen on a particular meeting time. I’m sure the YMCA will give it to him. However, they will give it to him without realizing that maybe there might be a problem with our loud little group meeting next door to the very quiet and very large Meditation Yoga class…
[This caused me some anxiety about the Wrath of the Yoga People!]
Both the video and the article were very timely!
I only have to wait just a little while longer. Three weeks at most.
There’s also another possibility for things to get better. Sense’s wife (also a black belt) might, just might, be able to come in once a week to help out with regular classes. That’ll take some of the pressure off us two adult senior students.
I also have to keep in mind that as far as my own Sensei and other dojo senseis are concerned, I am welcome to visit (and in the case of College Dojo, be a senior student there too). I still have that and will always have that.
So my takeaway tonight… I’ve sparred with black belts and have been pushed harder than I’ve ever thought I could be pushed. I didn’t give up. I shouldn’t give up on these situations either. Because the fight will end one way or another, and it will end soon.
2/5/16 – Major Employer’s Club Dojo
[I felt refreshed after visiting a dojo comprised of adults and no “various situations” – or at least none that I’m privy to].
As far in advance as possible (not just 24 hours, LOL), I need to schedule visits to the sister dojos I don’t go to all that often. Even after Home Dojo Sensei starts up the small advanced class, I’ll still need the break from the [various situations], I’ll need to work with a variety of adults, and I’ll need to bring fresh teaching ideas back to Home Dojo and College Dojo.
Faraway Dojo Sensei wants to see me quarterly, and March is right around the corner. I think I’ll feel better knowing exactly when that’s coming up. I’m gonna look at the calendar and shoot that Sensei an email right now.
[And I felt much better once I got that on the calendar!]
2/16/16 – Home Dojo
After class tonight my “big brother,” Sensei, and I discussed what time we’re meeting on Sunday for the invitation-only advanced training. Our monthly Board of Directors meeting goofs up our start time, but the advantage is that maybe one or more people (ranging from 5th kyu to Godan) might decide to stay and play with us. Maybe now Sensei G from Faraway Dojo will get a chance to beat me up – she’s the lone person on the Board who hasn’t sparred with me 🙂
Now that the tournament is over it’s hit me that this training is going to be a reality. I’m both elated and scared. Elated because this is the learning opportunity of a lifetime. Scared because this training will be hard, and I do know what “hard” means because I’ve been pushed hard so many times and I know that I will be pushed progressively harder. Scared also because of who might opt to come to the first class – like I said, I’ve sparred with almost everyone. I’ve blogged about two of them here and here.
That said, I trust myself and I trust those who will be teaching me. I can be scared – that’s probably OK. But what I can’t do is back out before I even start, and once I start I can’t quit. I don’t think I could look at myself in the mirror if I quit Karate again. This is my chance to have an incredible adventure. I don’t want to blow it.
So there you have it. There are chinks in my armor. I’m not perfect. I have fears and doubts. I am human, and, let’s face it, I’m facing new situations that I haven’t faced before. I’m very, very glad I didn’t give in to the pressure and I’m glad we haven’t faced the Wrath of the Yoga People. Advanced training has been fantastic. Things have gotten better. Why was I so worried? 🙂