Author: Joelle White

I began training in Karate in June of 2014 after a 27 year hiatus.

On Guard

Every single time something strange and/or potentially dangerous happens at a particular variety store I swear never to go back. The trouble is that store has very nearly all the brands of foodstuff we like at better prices than anywhere else. For decades I’ve been in the habit of grocery shopping once per week and I grumble if I have to make extra trips. I can’t afford delivery and I like to pick out produce (a huge chunk of my diet) myself. Even if money were no object it’s still the only place where I can find X, Y, and Z. So I shop there but I do keep an eye out and never go when it’s dark. I’ve tried various days and times and it seems the crazies are there all the time. Today I tried early morning.

The store was pretty quiet and I do believe the employees stocking the shelves outnumbered the customers. That made it super easy to keep track of who was around me. In the dairy section I noticed a big guy right away. He was making strange noises. I had to turn my back on him to fetch my soy milk. Right then he made a pretty good imitation of Ms. Piggy shouting, “Haiiiiiiiiiyaaaa!”

I tensed, then almost reflexively forced myself to relax. I thought to myself, “Relax, relax, it’s just a coincidence, he can’t possibly know that I study karate. He’s higher than a kite. Relax. It’s just a coincidence. Relax. There’s no WAY he could know and at this moment he’s not a physical threat. Relax.”

As I turned around to put my soy milk into my cart I sneaked a glance up. Big Guy was still making strange noises and motions and he was staring straight at me. He was wearing a mask with fangs printed on it, which ordinarily I’d laugh at but this time it was menacing. I was suddenly very glad my cart was between us. The wild look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. I have an autistic adult daughter, I know what autism is, what that can look like in various people. My gut told me that Big Guy was on something, out of his skull with crazy poison. There was no telling what he’d do and because of whatever was running through is veins he probably wouldn’t feel pain.

As I moved around to grab the cart handle I kept a covert eye and ear on Big Guy. I pushed my grocery cart onward quickly, keeping an ear out while I turned a corner. The store was so quiet I could tell Big Guy was staying put. After grabbing a few items I groaned. I had forgotten something back in the section where Big Guy had parked himself. I didn’t hear him so I casually went back, breathing deeply to calm myself, forcing my shoulders to relax. Big Guy was nowhere in sight. I grabbed my items quickly then headed to the nice, open produce area where I would be able to see him coming.

I finished my shopping and headed towards the checkout stand. I had too many groceries to go through self checkout (besides, those things hate me). There was only one check stand open and guess who was in line before me. I made it a point to appear to be idly scanning the impulse-buy items and the tabloids. Big Guy kept up his weird noises and motions, rearranged the things on the racks, and from time to time he stared at me. I kept peripheral awareness on him even when another cashier opened up another check stand and motioned me over.

Big Guy finished his transaction long before I finished mine. He picked a spot and parked himself there, still gibbering, still staring at me from time to time. By the time my enormous pile of groceries was bagged and back in my cart Big Guy still hadn’t moved. In order to take the most direct route back to my car I’d have to walk past him. I decided right then and there that wasn’t going to happen. I went out the other door instead. I didn’t hear the sound of a cart making a U-turn as I left so I knew he wasn’t following me. I kept an ear out just in case.

The parking lot was mostly empty so I was able to push the cart in a more-or-less straight line diagonally across the lot to my car. I kept an ear and an eye out. After I had put about half of my groceries into the trunk of my car I heard Big Guy’s strange noises. He came out the door that I would have come out of. I was hidden from him. I had parked my car right next to a cart return that had a big sign attached to it. Even though what I heard indicated that Big Guy was loitering near the store I picked up the pace of unloading my groceries. I was very nearly done when I heard Big Guy coming closer. Crap. At least he was moving slowly and still couldn’t see me because of the big sign.

As I put my cart into the return corral Big Guy was very nearly at my car. I took a deep breath, calming myself for quick action. I ran the motions through in my mind, rehearsing what I would do, visualizing speed and smooth performance. I’ve done these motions hundreds of thousands of times over thirty some-odd years. I can perform the sequence of motions without thinking, but never before had I done them at speed and never when there was so much at stake.

While taking the three steps to my car door I used the remote to unlock only the driver’s door. In one fluid motion I opened the door, leaped into the driver’s seat and shut the door. An instant before Big Guy came close to my vehicle I used the door button to lock all doors, completing the movement. I don’t think I’ve ever entered a car more rapidly or fluidly. I fastened my seat belt and as I slid my key into the ignition I gave Big Guy a look that let him know I was prepared to use my car as a weapon if need be. He laughed, made a weird noise, performed some strange body movements, and then got distracted by the open hood of another car. I drove off vowing never to return to the store again, a vow I probably won’t keep.

WHAT?!? I didn’t use karate?

Why, yes I did.

I used karate to control myself and to control the situation as much as possible. Nobody was harmed. Given everything that happened there was no actual need for me to fight – and I’m sure any police officer or judge would agree with my assessment. I think there’s a two percent chance that I was wrong, that Big Guy was autistic, not on drugs. If so then I would’ve been devastated to find that out after sending him to the hospital. I am grateful that I have learned to keep a calm head, to be aware of what’s going on, and to think strategically all in the face of pressure.

Self control is one of the many gifts of studying a martial art. Yes, I study violence, I know loads of devastating techniques, but what good is all that if I do not also know when to abstain from fighting? What good would it do for me to be rotting away in a jail cell when I could be teaching someone something that could potentially save their life? I haven’t earned teaching credentials yet (black belt) but I still have a responsibility to my future students. I need to be the best person I can be so that they in turn can learn good budo (the way of the warrior). I also have a responsibility to those who have invested time and effort into building my skills. I have no wish to dishonor them. Most importantly, if I can avoid harming someone I will avoid doing so.

Even if they’re high as a kite and scaring me.

Beginning Bo

Several weeks ago I started attending an online bo class for karateka in the organization I belong to. Before now I could probably count the number of bo lessons I’d had on the fingers of one hand. I am pretty slow to learn new material so none of the one-off lessons ever really stuck. The two bo that I own gathered dust. At least they’re stored flat so I don’t have to worry about warping. It’s very nice to now have enough material to work with on my own.

The ceiling in my little basement “dojo” is quite low so I had to buy a dowel to substitute for a real bo. Even the dowel isn’t always short enough. I’m getting better at not gouging the ceiling tiles that compose my drop-down basement ceiling. Nonetheless, I had those tiles tested for asbestos. I was fully prepared to take the ceiling out entirely. I can’t tell you how many of my friends in the karate world had good sound advice for that enterprise – I’m grateful for their support. I’m happy to report that I can gouge the ceiling all I want – the test for asbestos came back negative.

Obviously I have to let go of the idea that everything in my little dojo will be safe and perfect. A couple of months or so ago the old fluorescent light fixtures in my little “dojo” had to be replaced (new tubes didn’t work). In the process I accidentally dropped a plastic diffuser tile. As a result of that drop the diffuser is missing a corner. I didn’t replace the diffuser. What’s the point? I might accidentally hit it with my dowel. Interestingly enough all my knick-knacks and everything hanging on my walls have been completely safe – including a small full-length mirror. Studying bo is totally worth the risk to my belongings. That said, I am grateful for warmer Spring weather so I can get outside with a real bo.

Admittedly a bo isn’t exactly something you can carry easily on the street. I have to make special accommodations for my bo when putting it in the family cars. No way am I going to be able to easily retrieve a bo from under the bed and use it on a burglar in the middle of the night. I’m learning bo because it’s fun, because I’m loving what it’s doing for my upper body, and… Long time readers have probably guessed that I love being a beginner.

I love it that I suck at bo. I’ve sat in a judge’s chair and awarded points, I’ve watched some excellent bo practitioners both live and on YouTube, and I watch my sensei – so I know how badly I suck. And it’s OK that I suck. How long have I been learning? A few weeks? Perfectly OK for me to not look as polished as most of the kobudo practitioners who I’ve judged in tournaments. In actuality I’ve probably made rapid progress because a lot of things from karate carry over to bo. But I’m still awkward, I’m not sure I have combination #6 right, and combinations #11 and #12 are eluding me altogether. None of this bothers me because I am having an absolute blast being a brand new beginner at something.

I am even contemplating competing with bo. I’ve been competing in the advanced empty-hand divisions for a good chunk of my karate career now. With bo I’ll be entering the beginner/novice division. So long as I don’t clonk a judge or anyone else in the head I’ll be happy. Long time readers of this blog know that putting myself in challenging situations where the pressure is ON is something I do in order to prepare for my next belt test. Yes, the tests are fewer and way further apart for my level and beyond (1st kyu at the time of this writing), but I personally need to be in a situation where I’ve got a bunch of people staring at me and judging me. I need to practice quelling those butterflies and doing my utmost to perform in a “scary” situation. Competing with bo will be a different sort of pressure – something I’m brand new with, something I’m awkward at, and the very first (or second) basic bo kata to boot. It’ll be a test of my self confidence for sure.

I’m not sure exactly how I’ll juggle competing if I add another division to my repitoire, but I’m sure it’ll work out. I’ll have to change into and out of my dogi and official’s uniform a couple of times but I have a dandy suit bag and most venues have a locker room. So I guess it’ll be OK. I don’t have huge ambitions for my career as an official, at least not right now. If at some point I suddenly develop a huge talent for it and finally can pass the written tests with ease I might set some goals. But for now my goal with judging is to help out. So yeah, adding bo will make the day very interesting, but I think that’ll be part of the challenge and the fun.

I can make a pretty good list of things I’ve learned about bo. I can expound on how my empty hand study helps my study of the weapon and vice versa. But what are the deeper lessons? I’ve learned that new material can help stave off angst. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy looking more deeply into material I’ve previously memorized and I love it when I see a bit of improvement in my performance. But let’s face it: I’m human. There are days when I’m bored, frustrated, even mopey. Grabbing my bo engages my mind and gives me something else to think about. There will come a day when I don’t have to think, I’ll just flow through the bo exercises and kata. For right now, it’s OK that I don’t. Sometimes I need the distraction of working with completely new material. And let’s face it, the past twelve months have been hard. Anything that lifts my spirits helps. Martial arts are all about showing a fighting spirit in the face of pressure. I daresay I’ve learned a bit about that by beginning something new this year.

2020 Karate Thanksgiving

Written on Thanksgiving Eve, 2020.

As I type I am still in my gi. Dried sweat makes me itch from time to time. I smell a little ripe. After class I didn’t feel like stretching (bad, I know). Instead I jotted down some notes and then finally downloaded karate and fitness related files from my email. As I organized all of my files into folders I ran across a video I had taken of myself after an online class. I had just memorized a short kata in class. At a couple of points in the video I saw that I had to stop and remember what the next movement was. I was quite obviously dog tired to boot. And yet… I took the time to make that video. I realized then that as lousy as 2020 has been, I have retained my passion for my favorite hobby. I have a lot to be thankful for.

And yet… 2020.

I don’t mean to be a whiner: rather I want to acknowledge the negative in order to contrast with the positive. So I’ll list what 2020 threw at me and write my thoughts.

1) 2020’s attack: No in-person classes. I miss my dojo family. I miss chatting after class and getting together for meals. A little moving picture in online chat isn’t enough.

Each dojo in our organization has made its own decision about online classes. Bottom line is now I could attend so many classes each week that I probably would become dangerously exhausted. I’m also training with karateka who I used to see maybe once a month, some maybe once per year. And I’m training under multiple sensei – which means I’d better pay attention when they all give me the same feedback.

As I mentioned before, I’m building quite a treasure chest of computer files. Notes, pictures, videos… All emailed out either before class or maybe in answer to a question I emailed to a sensei. I love having all these resources! Since the pandemic began I have doubled the number of files I have.

2) 2020’s attack: No sparring. I can’t pressure test anything I come up with. I worry that if I have lost my ability to read intent and react quickly maybe I won’t be able to walk away from a real fight.

Not being able to pressure test anything I come up with for sparring sucks. Still, I’ve learned some good drills. Whenever we can meet in person again I should see results from practicing those drills. Also just tonight I’ve learned more about the connections among kihon, kata, and kumite. I can explore that while I wait. I’ve also made a cardboard dummy that has held up rather well. I have to be careful with “Cheapskate BOB” but then again, I have to be careful with my real training partners too. None of this is a substitution for real kumite, but it’ll get me through.

As for losing any ability to read intent and react quickly – since when have I been in a real fight? My first and only fight was in 1984 – and honestly it wasn’t much of a fight because I only used just enough force to make my point then walked away. 1989 doesn’t count either because I only gave a guy a light elbow to the gut (his wife gave him worse). Most of the time I’ve been able to completely avoid fighting. Honestly, worrying about it will probably cripple me more than not practicing for a few months.

I am thankful that I can at least do some kumite-related things on my own. And I’m grateful for the brutal techniques in kata, which I’m hoping never to use in real life application.

3) 2020’s attack: No tournaments. Nationals was supposed to be a five hour drive from my home – and my parents and uncle were looking forward to a little road trip with me.

I’m thankful that so far my parents and uncle have not come down with COVID-19. I am thankful they are alive and safe.

A week or two before lockdown I judged and competed in the only tournament of 2020. It had been a few months since I last saw some friends in other organizations. I’m glad I had that one chance to see them this year. I’m also grateful for the hard-earned medals. Sometimes in the past I’d get third place medals just for showing up. Not this time. I am thankful that even if there was only one tournament this year, it was a good one.

Right before lockdown I was doing my yearly cramming for the online tests I have to take to renew my USA-NKF judging license. I usually pass the test on kata rules the first or second time around, but kumite rules are another animal altogether. I failed the kumite test at least two times before everything was shut down. I have to admit I am thankful I don’t have to take those tests again for who knows how long.

4) Space limitations. Some kata take up a lot of floor space. Skinning my foot on the brick fireplace is painful.

I’m lucky to have what space I have, so I shouldn’t complain. During online classes I’ve seen karateka making do with smaller spaces. There are those who envy my basement room. Besides, I can practice kata one segment at a time – which is a good exercise even when one has all the space one needs. I am very thankful that I have more room than many.

5) No chance to test for my next belt rank – Shodan.

Testing for dan-rank candidates happens once per year. So yeah, no test for anyone i-kyu and above in 2020. It’s a bummer, but I’m OK. Who knows – maybe this wasn’t the right year even without this stupid plague. And I have been and am now enjoying preparing for the challenge, whenever it will be. I hope I’m making improvement in some very key areas. I feel like I do need time to work on stuff, so I’m willing to be patient and work my ass off.

My primary motivation is teaching, not rank. Once upon a time there was a 13 year old girl who learned how to make a proper fist. Then she learned to punch and she suddenly knew she had something to use if the bullies at school escalated to physical abuse. Once upon a time there was a middle-aged woman who wasn’t sure she was going to survive her first class in decades. I want to do for someone else what was done for me. It would be nice to have credentials, but I can wait until I have “mastered the basics.”

And on that note I am thankful for all my sensei, senpai, dohai, and kohai who have helped me along in my journey so far. I am grateful for karate and martial arts friends outside my organization who have competed with me, trained with me at seminars, and cheered me on even if we’ve never met in real life.

Training Online

Before COVID-19 closed everything down I had a habit of showing up early to class in order to take advantage of floor space. Since then my husband and I made some changes to our home so that I now have more room than ever to practice karate. Space isn’t a consideration anymore when it comes to how early I show up for class. But it’s still good for me to keep the habit of showing up early. In the process of adjusting to online classes I learned that I can get lost in what I’m doing and lose track of time. Ironically, I dislike having to keep track of time and I also hate having to remember to set alarms. Accordingly I now get Zoom up and running right away when I come in. This means I could be right in the middle of figuring something out when a sensei comes online. Invariably I get some feedback – which is good! The first couple of times this happened were unsettling to me. In the generation I grew up in, people on TV couldn’t hear or see you. We figured this out by the time we were four years old. The first time I was startled by a sensei’s appearance and subsequent feedback the first thought that popped into my head was, “Big Brother is watching me.” I had to laugh at myself.

Maybe I was too young when I read George Orwell’s chilling dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (written in 1948). I was 14 years old in 1984 when I checked out the novel from my high school library. I thought it would be cool to read Orwell’s vision about the year I was living in. That book scared me more than the classic horror movie “Alien.” As an introvert I have always valued my privacy and my time alone. The pervasiveness of the “telescreens,” the TV screens that were also video cameras, creeped me out. We didn’t have that technology in 1984, and frankly I hoped we never would. We have the technology now and it’s not all bad.

Unlike the people living under Big Brother’s watchful gaze we are using our “telescreens” mostly for benign and beneficial activities, including martial arts. After a couple of weeks of practicing on my own I started pining away for my little dojo (karate school) tribe. I know how to practice on my own, I’ve learned about conditioning, I know at least some of what I need to work on. I value having time and space to breathe and explore. But it’s not enough. Those first two weeks of quarantine before our sensei(s) got online classes up and running were kinda miserable for me.

But, but, but, but – there’s tons of videos out there, right? I could learn from anyone, right? Yes and no. If I were starting from scratch in a new martial art I would be at a severe disadvantage without a live instructor. If I did not have a good foundation in that art I would simply be mimicking. Mimicking will not get you very far in any martial art. I know – I’ve helped teach a very gifted dancer who is amazing at mimicking what he sees. But even he needs an instructor who is right there, who can see things in three dimensions and who can move in three dimensional space. Not to mention touch – not just to correct but to feed and receive techniques. Physical contact is something we marital artists cannot do right now, and at least in my state we won’t be able to do for quite some time to come. At some point I will need to test the new things I’ve learned on real people who might just show me exactly where things break down.

What I can do with pre-recorded videos is I can gather and analyze information. I love bunkai (interpretations of kata), so I’ve been watching videos about bunkai. I understand that there will be differences between what I see and what I was taught due to style differences. I also understand that one practitioner’s bunkai is not necessarily going to be in line with another practitioner’s bunkai – and that’s OK! I do have to understand the bunkai my own sensei (instructor) taught me and, someday, I will teach others what was passed down to me.

Here’s the thing – I don’t go watching videos about bunkai for kata that I haven’t memorized. But I do confess that a couple of years ago I did use a video to learn a new kata. I was supposed to be learning that kata. I made sure the video was from the same series of videos recommended to me by one of my sensei(s). I’d seen it practiced in the dojo so I had a rough idea of what to expect. I most certainly did not rely on the video alone to learn the kata. But there was one huge advantage the video had over live instruction. I could turn my back to the screen and watch the video using a mirror.

Long-time followers of this blog might remember that I am challenged with directional dyslexia. I have any number of coping mechanisms. As I predicted a few years ago I have a pretty good grasp of the basic principles of karate. I’m sure that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be on my journey right now given my current rank (i-kyu). But still… it’s a huge relief to be able to let go of right and left from time to time. Of course this doesn’t work for kata but it does work for learning complex drills. I had no idea of the scope of my learning challenge until now. It’s probably like someone who was born with impaired hearing getting a cochlear implant. Except… I can use the implant only intermittently and I’ll have to give it up at some point in the future. Totally worth it.

I miss the fellowship. I miss all the things that I cannot do without other people.

There are some learning methods I’ve picked up during this time of quarantine that I will continue to use in the future. It’s far easier for me to take videos of myself in my new space so I’ve been doing way more of that. This tournament season is shot but I’m using my judging skills on myself. Normally I have pen and paper handy in my gear bag so I can scribble notes after class. That’s fine, but I’ve learned that sometimes I need more. Nowadays after class I sometimes open up a video of myself or of someone else in one monitor and in the other monitor I’ll type notes. This is especially nice to do for kata. I can remember far more about the feedback I received when I have a video (even if it’s not me or my sensei) to jog my memory. And who knows? Maybe after all this is over the karate organization I belong to will use online classes for supplemental training.

P. S. – Ironically, I’ve become a minor character from Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty Four. I am now the “Physical Jerks” lady on the telescreen because I lead an early morning online fitness class via Zoom. I was scheduled to start this class in person at an athletic club the very week we were shut down due to COVID-19. I went online instead. What can I do but laugh?

Coping with the Pandemic

Folks, my world is being shaken by COVID-19. My life is changing every single day. The college where I work is a ghost town and next week almost all staff will be working from home. I really miss the students, who are taking their classes online now. Trips to the grocery stores are depressing – empty shelves and people keeping their distance are real downers. I can visit my parents only if we’re outside and at a distance from one another. Even before COVID-19 my husband and I were thinking that declaring bankruptcy could be a viable option, and now it’s looming. My dojo hasn’t met this week. I feel like my world is shrinking, imploding. I am stunned by how much has happened in so short a time.

I took a week off from working out. I needed the time to wrap my head around the new reality and to grieve a bit for the things that need to be set aside for the time being. I came to the realization that I did not need worries and anxieties about Karate on top of everything else that is going on right now. I knew those worries about my Karate were actually quite silly. Ordinarily, I could easily dispel those anxieties with any number of coping mechanisms and just plain hard physical work.

I just didn’t have the energy this past week.

So I let go. Sort of.

I prepared for the weeks to come and these preparations solved a multitude of problems. My husband needs quiet as he works from home – which he’s been doing for several months now. I need an area big enough to accommodate kata (forms) practice. My husband was in a big basement room with an outside entrance to the driveway. I was in a teensy bedroom in the basement. We were using the wrong spaces.

This past weekend my husband and I concentrated on making the teensy basement room into an office. My husband now has a door he can close. No one will traipse through with sacks of groceries. We focused on getting that office functional ASAP. My new workout room was a complete disaster area for most of this week. And that’s OK.

Like I said, I needed time. Emotionally and psychologically, I was drained.

I know exercise is good for what ails you, but sometimes it’s hard to get the motivation to do so. I assured myself with the fact that I never intended to set aside exercise and karate permanently. I knew all I needed was to come back rested and with a fresh perspective on the little hangups that seemed so enormous while I was dealing with the grief and strain caused by the COVID-19 situation.

Wednesday night I felt guilty that the exercise/craft room wasn’t quite done yet. Throughout the week I picked through craft stuff and boxed up quite a bit of it for the thrift store, but there were still a few piles of stuff on the floor. I decided the space didn’t have to be perfect to be usable. I shoved what remained of the mess into a corner of the craft area. As I worked I realized that I was happy. I vacuumed the floor and went to bed excited about resuming my workouts.

The new, bigger space is wonderful. I only have to do a little scootching when practicing the kata (forms) which require the most space. I never realized how annoyed I was at the constant scootching I had to do in the little room. Thursday, when I worked out for the first time since the last class day, I felt free and I felt… Flabby.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to set the bar a little lower than it was for just a little while while I rebuild. I’ve lost a little ground physically. Mentally, though, I’m back. Yes I’m sad about the cancelled classes, yes, I feel lonely for my little tribe, and yes I am frustrated that tournaments are being cancelled left and right. But now that I’ve wrapped my head around the other things that are going on in my life I’m ready to deal with this.

I have to stop feeling guilty about the week I took off because it gave me a little bit of breathing room – a little time to gradually work through some things as I prepared my new and better workout space. Of course I’m going to miss my fellow karateka, but I also know how to work out on my own. Prior to the cancellation of what would have been my next tournament I was, like every year, tearing my hair out trying to pass the online test for renewing my kumite (sparring) judging license. Now I have quite a lot more time to study (God knows I need it). I had one excellent tournament before everything was shut down and the 2nd and 3rd place medals I won were good, solid wins against some excellent ladies. Even if all the tournaments are cancelled this season, I will still have the good memories from that one tournament. Most importantly, to me anyway, I have more time and space to improve my karate in preparation for my Shodan (1st degree black belt) test.

Dear reader, my answer to the question, “When will you test?” remains the same: I am preparing for that test, have been since November 2018. Frankly, nothing is certain given the COVID-19 situation. I’m hoping for the best – that all this will be a memory in a month. But… Reality is that I will have to be clever and diligent in my study, and I might have to wait quite a long time to test (which could be true anyway regardless of any stupid virus). God knows I have a LOT to work on. And thanks to the little break I took this week I am ready to buckle down again. I am hoping this discipline will help carry me through the challenges in the weeks and months to come.