GRAB!  FLIP!  DUMP!

I’d thrown a rather slow kick – a bad habit of mine, and my sparring partner thought it was high time I learned the consequences of not fixing this.  I scrabbled to my feet and faced him once again.  Hot fury shot through me.  I shut it down instantly, recognizing that I was merely angry at myself.  I’m learning that if my internal state is not what it ought to be, I go into a tailspin.  This is not what I want to have happen during a sparring match!  A little while later, yup, I threw another slow kick and my sparring partner dumped me on the floor again.  I got back up calm, cool, and collected – my defeat was really a triumph.

I think I’m beginning to understand that on a really deep level, I’m fighting against myself.  Really and truly there are so many things I do to undermine myself while I’m sparring.  I have only a few tools in my toolbox, but they are good tools, and if I stop shooting myself in the foot, I can improve on how I use those tools.

What do I do to undermine myself in real life? How many times have I figuratively fallen to the floor – dumped there by life circumstances?  I have no desire to try and count.  What’s important is, how have I reacted?  Have I sulked, whined, screamed, pointed fingers,  etc. when I found myself “falling?”  Yes, I admit I have.

Ando Mierzwa (senseiando.com) in one of his articles advises, “Here’s the trick to falling safely—accept that you’re falling! Don’t hop around on one foot, clawing desperately at anything (or anyone!) that might keep you on your feet.” Accept that you’re falling.  Denial, throwing blame around willy-nilly, and clutching at bad habits (like eating to comfort myself) are all ways I try to shield myself from adversity.  These reactions just make the “fall” worse.  I’m not saying don’t cry, don’t grieve, and don’t hold other people accountable for their actions.  I’m saying acknowledge the circumstances for what they are.  Then move beyond.

I’ve certainly given myself ample opportunity to practice falling in the dojo what with all those slow kicks I’ve thrown.  Wait – did you catch that?  It was something I did that started the chain of events that ended with me on the floor.  So maybe in my life circumstances, I should see if there’s something I did that led to the “fall.”  Sometimes I might find there isn’t anything I could have done differently, and sometimes I might find I could’ve done better.

After the adrenaline and endorphins and all those other fun hormones wore off, I discovered sore spots from those two falls.  Yes, falling hurts, and the hurts can last a good long time.  I tended those physical bruises for a few days until they healed.  Emotional “bruises” from being “dumped to the floor” by life circumstances hurt too.   It’s part of being human, and part of learning.  The trick is to become better, not bitter.

Assuming I am physically able to do so, it’s very empowering to get back on my feet and into fighting stance again.  Don’t get me wrong – if Sensei calls a halt at that point I do indeed breathe a sigh of relief!  Overcoming adverse life circumstances is immensely empowering too.   It might take  quite a lot of time to overcome adversity, or perhaps the struggle will end only when Death calls out, “Yame! (Stop!)”  But how one reacts and what one learns is crucial to developing the very core of one’s own self.

When one gets back up again, hopefully others will learn that there is hope for them too.  You can serve as a good example to others, or you can serve as an example of what not to do.  Very nearly every single time I was knocked or dumped or swept to the floor while sparring someone, there were children watching.  Their need to see someone bounce or stagger back up and into fighting stance outweighed my desire to curl up into a sobbing, frightened little ball.

I’ll let the following short video wrap up this post (thank you Bamboo Spirit Martial Arts Center for sharing this with me)…

Dear readers, soon after this publishes I will be on my way to Gasshuku, so I won’t be able to get to your comments until sometime during the week.  Thank you for reading, and thanks for your patience!

Hello, dear readers!

I wear a lot of hats in this ol’ world.  I’m the mother of two teens and the Alpha to my little furry doggy friend.  I’m a wife who appreciates her husband holding down the fort while I go have fun Karate adventures.  I’m a YMCA employee, albeit I’m only “on call” as a substitute Water Fitness instructor.  And of course, I’m a karateka – along with that I’ve taken on some extra responsibilities by serving as a dojo representative on the Board of Directors (fundraising and special events) and also with being a “dojo mom,” helping out as needed.  I’m a bit pressed for time.

Based on the new katas I’m going to need for the next belt test, I have determined I’m now at the equivalent level of where I was when I left Karate all those years ago when I was a teenager (the styles are very similar).  I know now that the biggest contributing factor to my leaving Karate years ago was a medical condition I didn’t even know I had until roughly eighteen years later.  Circumstances are in my favor this time around.  I’ve been just fine this past year.

I’m ready to pick up where I left off and go beyond.  That’s going to involve a lot of discipline, some more time, and of course some sweat.

My “home” dojo meets only twice a week, one hour per class.  I’ve been doing pretty well finding opportunities to attend classes at sister dojos.  That will still happen from time to time.  But it’s not enough.  I would like to be even more athletic so my body will meet the challenges and expectations that come with my brand new rank.  To that end, I’ve added fitness classes and more Karate practice time.

One of the changes I’m making is to spend half as much time on this blog.  I’m thinking one post every two weeks would be about the right pace for me.   It’s not that Karate isn’t inspiring to me anymore, it’s just I need to carve out a little more time to actually do Karate 🙂

I very much appreciate you, my readers, for all the encouragement and feedback you’ve given me.  Thank you for understanding what I need to do now.

Today’s post is a little different – it’s a diary.  I want to remember what it was like for me to be a beginner facing promotion (7th kyu).  I don’t want to forget what a beginner might feel and think and need.  Of course everyone is different, but if years from now I can have some measure of empathy for my future students because I recorded my journey, then writing about this will be time well spent.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

When I trained in Karate as a teenager, I went though three promotions in roughly as many years, and two tournaments. Since resuming Karate twelve months and 25 days ago, I’ve been to four tournaments and tested three times. I’m facing a fourth belt test in two days. Near as I can figure this will put me at a skill level only slightly below where I once was long ago. I’ll know for sure when I find out what new kata I’ll be learning.  So why the heck am I nervous?

To stave off the worst of the anxiety, I keep remembering votes of confidence from those who outrank me. I’ve been practicing like a fiend, keeping in mind all the tips from Senseis and Sempais that I’ve received in the last few days. I have to remind myself that some things will be fixed by Tuesday, some won’t. I even prepared for this test by performing my katas in tournaments! I’ve long since lost track of how many karateka who outrank me have whipped my tail in sparring since my last belt test – this is fantastic preparation for sparring in promotion. I don’t have to be perfect. I just have to be who and what I am. I wouldn’t be tapped for this promotion if I weren’t ready for it.

Still.

There’s a difference between taking the belt test seriously and anxiety. Taking the belt test seriously means I’m not cocky or disrespectful. This is what is expected of me. Anxiety is all about me undermining myself. Exactly what I don’t need. What it boils down to is trust. I have to trust my training, my teachers, my tutors. I have to trust every vote of confidence I’ve been given. Above all, I must trust myself.

Monday, 6/29/15

Maybe things will slow down a bit for me after this test. I’m looking forward to that because I feel like I have so much to work on, so much to tidy up! It takes time to do that.

The color of the new belt will be the same as when I left off, so this promotion has a bit of significance for me. Too bad the old purple belt somehow, um… er… shrunk while it was in storage. LOL!

I grabbed an empty studio at the Y this afternoon, the one in which our dojo meets. I practiced for nearly an hour. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be for tomorrow. That’s taken the edge off some of the anxiety. I miss my daughter terribly – she’s staying with my parents to regain her health. She could’ve helped me by doing some sparring drills with me.

I wonder what tomorrow’s fight will be like?

I wonder when the studio will be empty again tomorrow? Maybe I should just go for a nice relaxing swim tomorrow morning instead. Or maybe I could combine swimming and practicing Karate.

Naaaahhhhh….

Tuesday Morning, 6/30/15

Today’s the day!!!  The dog woke me up around daybreak (5:00 AM) and we went for an easy 3 mile walk because it was threatening rain. We got back in plenty of time for me to grab a quick bite to eat and then I took my younger daughter swimming (read: she played, I lazed around) at the Y. There were only a few quiet people at the pool at that early hour. I feel nice and mellow. I hope this feeling lasts through this evening’s test.

Wednesday 7/1/15

I felt really, really, ready for the first three belts. This time around I had to just throw up my hands and say to myself the Senseis know the expectations and I have no clue, so I’ll go ahead and trust them that I’m ready.

I got the belt, so obviously I was ready.

How was my performance?  Well, I didn’t break my foot during this purple belt test like I did when I was a teenager, so I think that alone is pretty freakin’ awesome 🙂

Seriously, though – I’m a flippin’ perfectionist, so I had to remind myself that nobody there expected perfection. Kata – I screwed up ever so slightly on one because I am so used to doing that kata solo without a count – I went right into the second movement from the first. I didn’t let it affect the rest of the execution of the kata. I can’t wait for Bassai Dai kata and beyond, when nobody will be counting… Kumite – well…  um…  Not too shabby, but immediately after the fight and in front of everyone, I was reminded I’d been told last tournament to be patient 😉 This admonishment was delivered gently – so I didn’t feel embarrassed, just duly cautioned about my tendency toward aggression.   I know I can learn to overcome this.  Friday night at a sister dojo I was sparring with someone who outranks me and it turned out to be a very “psychological” fight (faking, deception, luring, etc.) on both sides. I guess I shouldn’t let the time limits and interruptions of the ring pressure me into sacrificing strategy.

The senior student at my dojo is a good tutor and clearly enjoys teaching. He’s spent loads of time with me before and after class, and was there for me yesterday evening. He coached me before the test, which was very sweet of him. Sempai had to leave at 7:00, shortly after my fight. As he passed by me, he winked at me to show me he was confident I’d passed. This was a great last-minute vote of confidence 🙂

The moment came. My name was called, and I waited for a breathless instant to find out if I’d get a new belt or if I’d need to try again at a future date.  “PASS!” I jogged to the front of the dojo to get my belt and certificate. This time, one of my Senseis gave me the certificate, and my other Sensei gave me my belt. The Sensei who presented me with my new belt is moving away soon, so I was really, really glad he’d been chosen to do this. It’s the first of many special memories I will build while wearing the new belt.

I was a little nostalgic when I took off my old belt. I got that belt at Gasshuku last year from the hands of a Sensei who’d been ever so patient with me as I fumbled my way through the kata that was being taught to the group as a whole. I’d spent the entire weekend doing Karate in the fresh air and sunshine, barefoot on cool green grass.  A bald eagle piped when I entered the ring to spar for that belt test. The stripe on the belt was earned at the Hombu Dojo right before I watched the Shodan (brown belt to black belt) testing – which was a fantastic adventure. I’ve learned so many lessons about Karate and myself while wearing that belt. I felt a little sad folding it and putting it aside.  But you know what? The new belt feels right.

I guess it’s time now for the harder work and the higher expectations.

Bring it.

“All beginners – over here!”  our jovial host called out.  Some twenty of us from six year old kids on up through middle-aged adults reported to the table at the side of the gym.  This tournament was a friendly little competition and not a qualifier for anything.  It’s a great tournament to go to for fun and/or for practice.  I recommend this tournament as a great first tournament for beginners who are a little shy about competition.

“All right – line up by height,” we were directed.  I scanned the line anxiously.  One of the guys a little older than me and roughly my size looked pretty tough, and beyond him was a bigger adult guy.  I was relieved when another adult lady showed up.  In most tournaments I’ve been to, competitors are divided by gender first, then age, then experience.  But this tournament isn’t a qualifier for State or Nationals, so anything could happen.  I could’ve been lumped in with the adult guys.

I felt pretty confident while beginning my warmup.   So what if the gal was bigger and younger than me – I’m used to that.  Heck, I’m old enough to be the mother of very nearly every student in my dojo.  I noted that her height meant I couldn’t throw kicks to the head.  I frequently spar with tall guys, so no kicks to the head didn’t worry me.  Then she ran through a sequence from her kata a couple of times.  Uh oh.  Yep – no doubt about it, she looked gooooood.  I gulped down anxiety as I worked towards breaking a sweat.  I noted as I worked out that she wasn’t doing much of anything to warm up.  I hoped that would work in my favor.

I was good and sweaty by the time we were called to the ring.  I know from prior experience that I was nowhere near exhausted.  I felt great – ready for anything.  I performed my kata confidently – the newest one I need for promotion.  The kata that had won gold in tournament last month.  I felt I did even better this time around.  When I was done, I waited in breathless anticipation for the whistles to blow and the colored flags to lift.  The judges snapped their red flags up and my opponent was declared the winner.  We bowed, backed out of the ring, and got our sparring gear.

“Wow, which kata did you do?”  I asked my opponent.  She’s from a similar style, so I understood her answer.  It was a kata more advanced than mine.  Clearly she was not only bigger and younger, but also on high end of novice in the beginner/novice division, whereas I’m only on the high side of beginner.  I knew I’d have a real fight on my hands.

“Wish I could’ve seen it, but I was a little busy,” I quipped as I strapped on my hand pads.

We bowed into the ring and faced off.

“HAJIME!”

In my eagerness to try for gold, I fell into an old bad habit.

I have a little trouble with relative distances, so when I go charging in, all anyone really has to do is stick out a fist or a kick and I’ll drive myself onto it.  This happened more times in a row than I care to admit (sheepish grin here).   Finally I started to move sideways to avoid that.  Then the fight really started getting somewhere.  I did make the same mistake a couple more times, but overall I started doing better.  The fight was fast and furious – at one point I did get a little wild and the judges called a foul on me.  I felt awful about that.  With the clock winding down and the points accumulating on both sides, I grew desperate enough to make up for my lag in points by throwing a kick to her head – the three points would mean ending the match with me winning 9 to 7.  Much to my surprise I was able to kick higher than I thought, but it missed.  Not long after, the fight was over.

“I have never had a fight that intense before!  WOW!  You really made me work hard!”    my opponent congratulated me as we stripped off our fighting gear.  I was still coming down from all that intensity and couldn’t do much more than grin at her.

I sought out my erstwhile opponent in the bleachers later and we had a great time chatting, comparing the two styles we study, and watching other competitors from our organizations.  She’s definitely had more training than I have.  She even went to Nationals last year.  Because of her, I’ve begun mulling over the idea of trying for Nationals next year.   Clearly my opponent had a tremendous boost from that experience.

What about me? Did I get a tremendous boost from being thumped soundly by a gal who is clearly better than I am?

The answer is a resounding “Yes.”

Old habits die hard.  Practicing with a stationary target (the punching bag in the garage) isn’t teaching me about relative speeds and distance.  My daughter is on hiatus from Karate due to medical problems.   Class meets only twice a week and the college dojo is on break for summer.  I’m going to have to figure something out.

One of the things I like about tournaments is they are good practice for promotion – all those expert eyeballs staring at you and the big audience…  And when I get feedback after a tournament match I know exactly what I need to work on with an eye towards my next belt test.  Feedback from two Senseis and one Sempai after my competition was very valuable.  I very much appreciate them taking the time to give me honest evaluations and advice based on direct observation.

After all the hormones had flushed out of my system and the aches started setting in, I asked the on-site doctor for an ice pack. I assured him, “I’m all right – it’s just my body’s way of saying that at my age I should be home eating bon-bons instead of getting beaten up.” Yeah, it was a joke, but as I walked away, I realized that I actually accomplished something even though I was beaten. I am pushing my limits. I am squeezing the most out of each day. I am learning. I am growing. And that’s something I wouldn’t be doing if I were sitting on the couch eating bon-bons and letting life pass me by.

I have a wacky sense of humor. If I am obviously smothering giggles in the dojo when nothing funny has happened, no doubt I deserve pushups for something I came up with all on my own.  So when I came to the middle of one of Andrea Harkins’ wonderful, inspiring articles – I couldn’t resist.   She wrote:

… every moment of my life presents another topic, idea, or interest that I can relate to martial arts. I can relate my hamburger, a tree, or a bad day to martial arts and find something positive to say about it.

Well, I’ve already done the tree.   Now it’s time for the hamburger.  I’d like to challenge all you martial arts bloggers out there to sometime in the next month relate a hamburger to martial arts in a positive uplifting article.

Here’s mine.

After a good hour and a half working out at a sister dojo, I decided to join my fellow karateka at one of my favorite restaurants.  Class times for the dojos I go to are during either dinner or lunch hours, so I’m used to wacky meal times and I eat according to what my body will tolerate.  Usually after class I eat lightly because bedtime isn’t far off, but this time around, I knew I’d be lingering, enjoying the company.  I wanted a nice big hamburger.

At the time we ordered, I was the lowest ranked at that end of the table, flanked by and sitting across from some of the highest ranked – purely by accident as we were the ones who arrived first, so we left easy access to the table for those who came after.  The particular burger I was craving was a little messy – uh oh, what would so and so think if I slopped food on my shirt?  I also realized I was sitting with someone who’s on a diet – and I’m still making an effort that way myself.  What would that person think of my very caloric, high-fat choice?  I suspect someone else might be a vegetarian – yike.

Yeah, feel free to laugh – I had second thoughts about my burger based on stupid assumptions I’d made about what other people would think.  I should know better by now – I’ve hung out with these karateka enough to know they’re not like the kids in my junior high school!

I scolded myself, confidently ordered the Bacon Blue Cheese Burger and promptly kept myself busy listening to my table mates and occasionally contributing to the conversation.  I enjoyed every bite of that burger.  And yes, I did get a little bit of grease/cheese on my pants.  But nobody, including me, cared one bit.

Maybe for some adults and teenagers the decision to take up a martial art could be muddled up with anxieties similar to those I had when I was considering whether or not I should order that burger.   What will my friends think?  How will I respond when they say it’s too dangerous for an aging body?  What if I become the school laughingstock?  Would Zumba or joining a garage band be better choices?

If you’re on the brink of that decision and are anxious about what other people think – stop and think.  I was hungry and I wanted that burger in all its tasty artery-clogging glory.  How badly do you want that martial art?  That night I was among friends who wouldn’t speak about my food unless it was to politely ask if it was good – maybe with an eye towards ordering the Bacon Blue Cheese Burger themselves next time.  Are your friends true enough to respect your choices?   Maybe there’s one friend who might even join you!

Go for it. Savor every bit of what you’re learning. And who cares what others think?

UPDATE: Responses to the challenge! Way to go!!!

Andrea Harkins – The Martial Art-Hamburger Theory