A Beginner's Journey

High and low, up and down, yin and yang…  It’s all good.  I’m happy to say that I’ve learned from both the good times and the hard lessons, and those which were a mixed bag (like the first journal entry below).

 

2/17/17 – College Dojo

Change can happen in a heartbeat.  One minute you’re in your comfort zone.  The next…  WHAM.

Sempai Drill Sergeant is moving away.  He announced this was his last time assistant teaching in the dojo.

For awhile now I’ve been planning on and working towards testing for the next belt at the end of March.  This tournament was way more about seeing what I need to work on than it was about getting a gold medal.  The next tournament – same thing.  So I’ve been serious about testing already, but this announcement has me wishing to buckle down even harder.

I’m senior student at College Dojo by only one belt.  The college kids are hot on my heels.  College Dojo needs a Sempai.  5th kyu would give me more authority.

I’m ready.

And I’m also a little scared.  I never expected to have this much responsibility so soon.

I think the new “invitation only” advanced class that Sensei is starting up this Sunday will be exactly what I need to keep on getting “fed,” if you know what I mean.

Still – it’s a bit scary.  BAM.  Suddenly I’m Sempai.  Out of the blue.

I need to get used to this idea before Monday.  I need to show up on Monday with a smile, with a plan for warm-ups, and with the ring of authority in my voice.

 

2/20/16 – Affiliate YMCA Dojo

I recall Jackie Bradbury’s account of her tiny, innocent four year old in a moment of sheer joy saying something like, “This is so ****ing FUN!!!”

That was today for me.

After a grueling workout and drills, free sparring!  Three rounds.  Each person outranked me by at least one belt.  BOO yeah!!!  I got clobbered some and I did some clobbering right back – including catching someone’s kick (wasn’t able to get him to the ground, though).  He outranks me by three belts.  Neither of us was expecting that!

A year ago, whenever I sparred these same people, I was intimidated and scared of getting hurt, and most of all I was always dog tired.  But today I am in much better shape – I’m stronger and have more endurance.  My attitude is different too.  Today I was genuinely happy about sparring with people who can kick my butt.  Before each fight I was excited about what I was about to learn from each person.  I was elated after each fight.  Sure all this could be attributed to the lovely cocktail of hormones that course through my veins.  But I’d like to think there’ s more to it than that.

I think it might be a combination of:

1) “Empty cup” – being open to whatever lesson I need to learn

2) Welcoming both positive and negative feedback from my sempais and the dojo Sensei so I can grow in skill and character

3) Trusting my sparring partners – especially if they are senior in rank.  They are not out to deliberately hurt me.

4) Trust in my own skills (meager as they are).  I do have a few things going for me 🙂  I can, most of the time, keep myself from harm.

So I’m flying higher than a kite and I don’t feel worn down even after a grueling class because of

1) the mental stuff I just outlined above

2) I’m in good shape – better than I was last year for sure

3) Ever since Thursday’s class I’ve been remembering to relax my shoulders both on and off the mats.

4) I took yesterday off from all forms of exercise save walking the dog and holding plank.  I’m not sure but I think I went about 14 days straight with classes, heavy labor, seminars, and the tournament.

 

Feb 23, 2016 – Home Dojo

For awhile, I’ve felt like my sparring skills just haven’t been up to par.  My enthusiasm is there, which is good because I used to really be afraid of sparring.  It’s just – I’ve felt stagnant, and like I’ve been missing some part of the overall picture that would allow me to make progress.

Sensei called me over to talk with him after class.  It wasn’t related to today’s class, but to things he and his wife noticed Sunday about my sparring.

I need to be purposeful, not reactionary.  I need to quit throwing a flurry of bad things hoping something will land.  I’ve lost my fear but have sacrificed strategy and form.  Sensei said, “You don’t have to be afraid of the rattlesnake but you still have to respect it.”  Apparently this is a common thing for people at my “stage,” but still – I need to own it and fix it.  According to Sensei my bad habits are detrimental to my further development and frustrate my sparring partners (read: his wife, LOL).  Confirmation of what I suspected – I am stagnating, and now I know why.

So a bit of “tough love” from Sensei tonight, and I took my medicine like a man, er, well, you know.  And I think this is definitely the piece of the picture I felt like I was missing.  So – now I gotta roll up my sleeves and, if I have to, go back to square one and rebuild from there.  Sensei did soften the blow by telling me he appreciates the fact that he can give me something to work on and I’ll work on it without him nagging me.

This post is going to be a bit different from the others in this series.  I don’t really feel like dragging you, dear readers, into absolutely every little detail of the anxieties I detailed in three of my journal entries, so I’ve “censored” them a bit.  I am exceedingly grateful for those of you who were in the know at the time.  You were very supportive, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  So please forgive the lack of details.  I’m glad to say that I have learned and grown, and I’d like to reflect that more than anything else.

2/4/16 – Home Dojo

I came home wanting nothing more than to go to bed crying.  I don’t really want to go into all the stupid stuff courtesy of [a couple of different situations]…

I felt defeated.  I felt like giving up…

This isn’t a new feeling, it was just particularly intense this evening.

Sometimes we don’t know how close we are to the end of the fight.  We get discouraged and tired.  Sometimes we do know how close we are but we’re so weary that we don’t particularly care.    But really, if we hang in there just a little longer, things will get better.  That’s where I am tonight.

[I wrote about a bright ray of hope – Home Dojo Sensei had decided to start an advanced class]

Sensei is keen on a particular meeting time.  I’m sure the YMCA will give it to him.  However, they will give it to him without realizing that maybe there might be a problem with our loud little group meeting next door to the very quiet and very large Meditation Yoga class…

[This caused me some anxiety about the Wrath of the Yoga People!]

So once I identified all that’s going on with my emotions, I started to think about the video I watched this morning.   When I sat down to write, I noticed this article and read it.

Both the video and the article were very timely!

I only have to wait just a little while longer.  Three weeks at most.

There’s also another possibility for things to get better.  Sense’s wife (also a black belt) might, just might, be able to come in once a week to help out with regular classes.  That’ll take some of the pressure off us two adult senior students.

I also have to keep in mind that as far as my own Sensei and other dojo senseis are concerned, I am welcome to visit (and in the case of College Dojo, be a senior student there too).  I still have that and will always have that.

So my takeaway tonight…  I’ve sparred with black belts and have been pushed harder than I’ve ever thought I could be pushed.  I didn’t give up.  I shouldn’t give up on these situations either.  Because the fight will end one way or another, and it will end soon.

 

2/5/16 – Major Employer’s Club Dojo

[I felt refreshed after visiting a dojo comprised of adults and no “various situations” – or at least none that I’m privy to].

As far in advance as possible (not just 24 hours, LOL), I need to schedule visits to the sister dojos I don’t go to all that often.  Even after Home Dojo Sensei starts up the small advanced class, I’ll still need the break from the [various situations], I’ll need to work with a variety of adults, and I’ll need to bring fresh teaching ideas back to Home Dojo and College Dojo.

Faraway Dojo Sensei wants to see me quarterly, and March is right around the corner.  I think I’ll feel better knowing exactly when that’s coming up.  I’m gonna look at the calendar and shoot that Sensei an email right now.

[And I felt much better once I got that on the calendar!]

 

2/16/16 – Home Dojo

After class tonight my “big brother,” Sensei, and I discussed what time we’re meeting on Sunday for the invitation-only advanced training.  Our monthly Board of Directors meeting goofs up our start time, but the advantage is that maybe one or more people (ranging from 5th kyu to Godan) might decide to stay and play with us.  Maybe now Sensei G from Faraway Dojo will get a chance to beat me up – she’s the lone person on the Board who hasn’t sparred with me 🙂

Now that the tournament is over it’s hit me that this training is going to be a reality.  I’m both elated and scared.  Elated because this is the learning opportunity of a lifetime.  Scared because this training will be hard, and I do know what “hard” means because I’ve been pushed hard so many times and I know that I will be pushed progressively harder.  Scared also because of who might opt to come to the first class – like I said, I’ve sparred with almost everyone.  I’ve blogged about two of them here and here.

That said, I trust myself and I trust those who will be teaching me.  I can be scared – that’s probably OK.  But what I can’t do is back out before I even start, and once I start I can’t quit.  I don’t think I could look at myself in the mirror if I quit Karate again.  This is my chance to have an incredible adventure.  I don’t want to blow it.

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So there you have it.  There are chinks in my armor.  I’m not perfect.  I have fears and doubts.  I am human, and, let’s face it, I’m facing new situations that I haven’t faced before.  I’m very, very glad I didn’t give in to the pressure and I’m glad we haven’t faced the Wrath of the Yoga People.  Advanced training has been fantastic.    Things have gotten better.  Why was I so worried?  🙂

So…  I’m on the low end of Intermediate, and there I was this past weekend in my third tournament in the Intermediate/Advanced division.  My first round I got spanked pretty good by a black belt.  I was standing ringside sweating and watching the combatants when I realized…

Right there not three feet away from me was the head of our organization.  So I waited for him to stop speaking (in Japanese) to my erstwhile opponent (who was standing  beside and slightly behind me).  Then I acknowledged him with a bow.  Oh golly, had he seen me get clobbered?

Yep, he had, as his comment to me indicated.

As he walked past me he said, “Good job.”

Whaaaaaaaaaat?  I haven’t been around him much, haven’t been formally introduced to him, and really the only indication that I have anything to do with him is the patch on my gi.  Because I wore either a red or a blue tournament belt, there was no indication of my rank except my ability or lack thereof.  I guess he figured out that if I’m a stranger to him and I got spanked by a black belt guest from Japan, I must be on the lower end of “Intermediate,” and therefore a kind word from him would be constructive.  I sure did appreciate it!

My second round I fought a brown belt from another style whom I fought last tournament.  My own Sensei had plenty to say about that fight, and yeah, I could’ve done better.  However, that feedback came with a promise – “We’ll work on that.”

When you’re lower than dirt, well, there’s nothing to do but to get going on germinating the seeds of your potential.  I’m looking forward to seeing the seedlings poke their heads above the earth.

Peer pressure can be a positive thing!

2/15/16 – Major Employer’s Club Dojo

No college class today (or work for that matter).  Campus was closed for Presidents’ Day.  So time to rest, right?

Nope.  I may have had time off from work, but no way was I going to take time off from my favorite hobby.

I’d already arranged to go to Major Employer’s Club Dojo.  Sunday night I was briefly tempted to cancel.  But then I realized I couldn’t use the excuse of doing heavy physical labor all weekend because one of the dojo’s brown belts (five years my senior and my height) had been laboring right alongside me all weekend – and he knew from Friday night that I was planning on coming.  He wasn’t planning on skipping class Monday.  That and Sunday evening, one of the dojo’s black belts, who is old enough to be my father, helped out with loading and unloading the truck – he and I team-lifted a lot of stuff.  I knew he was going to be teaching tonight and he’d already been told by the dojo sensei that I’d be coming.   No way could I have backed out on my plans 🙂

A little peer pressure goes a long way.

And I’m really happy I didn’t skip.  The class consisted of the two gentlemen I mentioned previously, a guy who outranks me by one belt, and me.  SWEEEEEEEEEET!  I get tickled pink when I’m at the end of the line.  It means I’m going to have a really challenging class.  And it was.

So I could’ve just caved to being tired.  I could’ve farted around on the computer (which I’m doing now, but I’m waiting for the washing machine to finish up so I can hang my gi up to dry).  And I’d have missed out.

Big karate lesson today – how to do push-ups properly and how to build up my ability.  This from the brown belt, who used to train people in physical fitness for the military.  He walked me through everything and pointed out what I needed to do differently.  He demonstrated and let me walk around him so I could really see what he was doing.  Way better than YouTube.  Now I have a bit of peer pressure to do better at this exercise.

************

Update:  I am continuing to do more and better push ups!

Our office had a potluck lunch on Tuesday.  I finally got to meet my new co-worker.  He does the same job I do, only I work in the morning and he works in the afternoon.  He was coming in early, I was staying late for the potluck.

While going through the line, another co-worker accidentally jostled me.

“Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to hit you,” she said.

“That’s OK,” I quipped back, “I’m used to getting hit.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“Karate,” I reminded my co-worker.  I work on the campus of a community college and my hours are flexed so I can walk to College Dojo immediately after work to help out with the class.

The new guy asked what rank I am.  I answered my usual, “Halfway to black belt,” which is far easier than explaining about kyus and colors and all that jazz.

“Is that full contact?”  he asked.

“Light contact,” I replied, “But tell that to the white belts.  I’ve got this big bruise on my wrist from a white belt.  Two days ago, I was in a tournament, a black belt spanked me pretty good, and all I have is a tiny bruise on my lip.  It makes me grateful for all those people who put up with me when I was a white belt and putting bruises on them.”

Turns out the new guy is a Shodan in Kyokushin Karate.  Full contact.  Bruises are nothing to him.

So we settled into a corner to talk about all sorts of what Jackie Bradbury would call nerdy Karate goodness.  Eventually, he changed the subject.

“Any advice for me about the job?”  my afternoon counterpart asked.

“There’s a lot of little details you have to know.  Be patient with yourself as you learn.  You’ll master them over time.  But that’s nothing new to you.”

The new guy smiled, and replied, “Yeah, I don’t really have time to read the employee manual.  I’ve just been relying on gaining experience.”

I affirmed, “You’ll learn through repetition.  And that’s nothing new to you either.”

My counterpart smiled again.  He was clearly making the connections between Karate and life.

I continued, “And don’t be afraid to ask for help.”  I didn’t have to add that he knows this already 🙂