Some of you are wondering why I’m burning through the kyu ranks so quickly. I’ve only been training for one year and nearly ten months and already I’m 5th kyu as of last night (3/31/16). In the last few hours since announcing my promotion I’ve received emails ranging from merely curious to actual challenges by 5th kyus from other styles. I’m going too fast to be believed, and people are resenting it. The challenges have rattled me to the core. It’d be all to easy to track me down and find me. I’d rather not see a video of me being knocked senseless go viral, so it’s time I ‘fessed up. I’m a hell of a writer – I can write fiction so realistic that it’s fooled a lot of you into thinking I’m the real deal. But I’m not really all that skilled at karate. I’ve mentioned before that I’m dyslexic. So that’s part of it. But really, I don’t practice, I don’t exercise, I sort of learn the katas – enough to where someone can tell which one I’m doing, anyway. But my belt rank is real enough, as are my tournament medals. Here’s a picture of me with my new belt and certificate:
So what do I do? No, I don’t sleep with any of the black belts. The fact is nobody wants to get that close to me. Most people don’t want to get within five feet of me. So get your mind out of the gutter. The truth of the matter is black belts throw medals and belts at me because they just want me to be happy and go away as quickly as possible. Believe me – I don’t merit those belts and medals. I stink at Karate. Literally. It’s because I eat durian before every class, tournament and belt test.
If you don’t know about durian, let me tell you about it. It’s one of the most delicious fruits on the face of the Earth but it smells horrible. As in the stench will clear out a building. And yes, anyone who eats it will stink for awhile. Yes, there are nutritional benefits that are giving me a boost, but the stink is definitely what gives me the winning edge. In fact, I go a bit further for tournaments and belt tests.
I stash two durians in my jock bra for tournaments and belt tests. The fruit is a bit prickly, and it kinda hurts if someone punches me in the “girls,” but think about how much my opponent’s hand hurts after punching one of these spiky fruits. Yeah. See, I don’t fight with my “girls,” right? So it doesn’t matter much if I’m hurt “there” from the impact of my opponent’s punch. But my opponent will be down one hand! I have also practiced a move that will launch the fruit out from my gi jacket and onto the mats for my opponent to step on. I call that move “The Bazonga Bazooka.”
So take away my durian and I am nothing. I won’t even stink at Karate anymore…
P. S. Don’t bother asking where I get fresh durian in the United States. I want to keep that my little secret, otherwise every karateka will start eating it and stuffing ’em in sports bras. Besides, if you really are a true durian lover, you already know that all you have to do to find some for yourself is follow your nose.